My hero

To the man I have loved my whole life and will continue to love for all of eternity. Yeah not my husband (I’m not married), not a son (not yet anyway) but my father. My relationship with my father is simply the one thing I have been so sure of. Always. And that is not to say that it is perfect or not complicated because it is all those things and more.

I guess as people we have a wide array of relationships with our parents or guardians. And unfortunately, some people never get the chance at all. They never get to know the beauty, the strain, the turmoil of feelings that come with parent-children relationships. I’m not a parent so I can’t explain how that feels. So this is more or less, my one-sided experience with a parent which is most often a receiving end. And specifically my father. He is not a perfect person but I have never had anyone love me so selflessly and so openly. He is the kind of person who tells me he loves me, that I am the smartest girl, and basically that I can be and do anything I want.

My most recent favorite memories are the long days I spent at work and all it would take would be a phone call for him to wait hours and hours waiting to take me home. Sometimes I think about the little things my dad has done for me and to me they are the biggest things. Again, one-sided, I do not know how parents feel about their children and what they expect. I’m not a very loving person, scratch that – I am, very much but I don’t often know how to show it. And maybe I’m just a bad child but as a kid, you’re selfish and just really worry or care about yourself and what you want. What I’m getting at is there are so many opportunities that I could have been a better daughter. But guess what, despite all that, I am one hundred percent sure my dad still loves me despite it all. And he believes in me in ways I can’t even imagine.

I’m a heavy sleeper but for my young adult years, the only person I have given up my sleep for gladly has been my father. I hope that if he could remember one thing about me, it is that I loved making him breakfast. Again with the simple and ordinary things – and yes sometimes it felt like an obligation but more often, it was blissful to me. It was a time he would share his day’s plans and sometimes in passing, the things bothering him. I don’t really know when it happened but he shared with me quite a lot about his struggles and at first, I was freaked out because you know we look at parents and we think they are these perfect humans that have life figured out and can get out of any problem. It can be a bit shocking and honestly worrying to know that these superhumans do not have everything actually figured out.

So, it has been a couple of months since I moved and haven’t seen my father. We speak, not so often but that is the thing, even when he says nothing at all, doesn’t call me on a daily, I know he is thinking of me and wishing life treats me kindly. But I miss him terribly, the long talks, his hearty laughter, his sense of humor. Oh wait, if you’ve met me, I have a weird sense of humor where I make bad situations kind of comic. Anyway, that is not exactly his kind of humor, only that he will be mad at something and then joke about it. It is somehow a coping mechanism or we just don’t take life seriously. Because life isn’t supposed to be too serious and that is why he is one of my favorite company. He is so liberal with life, he is so happy in sometimes a very depressing world and to say it again, he does spoil me. He loves music a lot, like a lot. And, I always attempt to avoid him at family gatherings because he will just randomly say that I’m his favorite child and that is a bit wild. I have to watch my five siblings and my mom react to that and sometimes it makes me feel odd but most of all it makes me think that I am the luckiest person.

Disclaimer, I am not bragging and I don’t mean to say that this is the best relationship. It is not a comparison, nor a competition, it is simply perfect for me. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements, and disparities but in my few years, I know that even perfect is imperfect.

All in all, I just want to say thank you to my father for being a constant. For being everything I ever needed and for showing me what a parent can be, what belief can achieve, and for setting the standard super high for the men I let into my life. There is so much more he has taught me, I can write a book and maybe I will. And I hope I get more chances to make him proud, and honestly try to make him as happy as he has made me. Trying to pay back is not an option because it is impossible to do that. He is my hero. To all wonderful fathers out there, we love you, appreciate you and, admire you.

My heart goes out to everyone who has lost, has had a hard relationship or never got to know their father. And also to fathers that have had lost, have had a hard relationship or none at all with their children. I hope life provides you more avenues for this kind of love.

With lots of love,

Her father’s daughter ❤

A letter

Hi. I hope and really hope this finds you well.

But I know that is a lie. It is not well with you otherwise I wouldn’t be here like this. But I am. I am because I need you back. Don’t say “I’m right here.” Don’t. The you that I see right now is not the you that I want for anyone. The you that thinks of her own mortality more than she thinks of waking. That is not who I call for.

I want you back. The girl that I love so deeply. I love this other one too and all the others in between because my love for you is unconditional but how much of it – that is conditional. I love so deeply the girl who smiles at leaves and cats or random people just because she thinks they are beautiful.

I need you back. The girl that looks forward to the excitement of achieving things. I am not saying that I dislike the you that feels like the world and its rumblings are crushing her very brain. I understand and sympathize with her but I do not need her. I need you. My full of life and dreamy brimming with immense potential. I really do.

I am asking you to let the girl that hates, that despises, that envies to go. I need my kind hearted woman. My so easily forgiving naive girl because what is vengeance but iron in these fleshy valves of our hearts. I know so many things weigh you down. I know you wish you could control them. But you can’t and that is okay. Hey! That is okay. You are only human and you have your limits, What you do (and even then not always) is in your control. What others do, what the world perceive or wish for is not. Yes you could influence it – we could try but don’t try until you break. I can feel the metals that turn in your heart when you wish for what you can’t have. I feel it too. That is how much I am connected to you. Please let it go.

Why forget so quickly my dear. Time and faith. What in this world have you wished for and did not get in due time. Please remember that joy. That exhilaration. The beautiful moments where you were so satisfied with life. You most certainly will have that again. More often, less fleeting. This I promise. Of course not everyday is going to be like that. I understand. I just hope that on those days you don’t dive so deep into the abyss that no light shines at the mid or end of the tunnel. I know you know that there is always light, in every situation, in every turmoil. I know it gets so hard sometimes. I know you sometimes cry when no one is looking. I know you bite your hand to move the pain in your head to your hand, I know so much and I don’t judge you my sweet girl. You have been out of this before and you will be out of this again. When it all crumbles or you feel like it is – I will be here, to pick you up. Just this time too come up to me. Live for me, forgive for me, enjoy life for me, work hard and those things that mean so much to you. Even if sometimes you wonder if it means anything at all in this awfully mortal world – I will tell you that yes, it does. It all means something, for you and the others that you have decided to live by.

So hear me out when I say I need you back. And you know it is not just me. We need you back for you may not see it sometimes but you light up this world. That beautiful smile and kind heart. All the flaws are part of you too but they do no define you and do not define what you should be or what you put out there. Let the anger flow away and let the forgiveness trickle in. You have done it before, what is there to stop you now. Just come back to me. My love.

With kindest of hearts,

Self ❤

Elightenment

There is power in knowledge. In information. In enlightenment.

Let me share a brief narrative. I met a person a couple of years ago. We became friends, good friends I may say. But I could never understand them. Because you see, we humans are complex beings. We have so many facets, so many attributes, so many versions that we grow into, out of, back into and around in. In their life, this friend of mine never seemed to have enough of anything. Given the world and all the things within and yet always seeming to be on the run. For starters I always wondered what went on in their mind. What it was they were looking for. Yes, they had perhaps loved and lost and that changes a person. That changes a person. The story of their childhood wasn’t a smooth one. For all I could deduce they’re broken, broken in love and its tribulations. They are kind but just as insensitive. That is what the cold parts of the world do. They freeze you up and then break you into so many sharp pieces. Until there is only a fitted-pieces shape of you. I never met a person so good with their lines and lies alike as this friend of mine. For years they have told the same lines, the same lies over and over again, they seem to be true to them and more convincing each time.

They broke so many hearts with the smoothness of their play. It hurts to know but even more sad and pitiful. They probably don’t know they are pathological liars. They probably don’t know how many lives they have stained because they truly have gone through many. And I applaud the ones that got away, and still shine. For it is such a cruel way to live in the entangling web of deceit. The world of missing pieces, hours, days, calls and all little things in there. The signs are always there but it is always easy to opt for blindness.

Well, my dear reader, this post is now about you. Do not lose yourself. When the worlds hits you, when it crushes your heart, when it freezes you up and breaks you apart, when the stains are so deep. Heal. Forgive. Look for remedies and medicines. When the world sets you afire, cool down and don’t burn everything you touch. Don’t spread the infection. Hold it and bury it so deep. And I know these demons have a way to get back up, when they do and they do, isolate. There is no point spreading the vermin. Don’t let the bad define you. And I am not judging for I am not perfect at all and I have an idea about this thing we call human will. I just want you to be aware that you can choose to be good. You can choose to be kind. To be honest. To not pass on the ice. Don’t let the cruelty win. Fight it, fight it even if it means you end up alone. Fight it for them, for the things you hold dear. If not for the greater good, for simply the fact that your actions, your choices can be a decision for someone to choose life or end it. Be a silent or loud (I don’t care) hero or heroine.

The universe knows and it rewards. Be aware that nothing is lost out in space. Everything under the sun shall be known. And we shall remember

Disclaimer: Lol we’ll probably never know everything or full stories except the ones narrated in fairy tales 🙂

Love,

Sarah

Changes…

Changes.

To know and live in one way

And then have it all turned around or morphed up

Holding on to familiarity but feeling it slip right through our shaky hands as reality kicks in

Eyes glaring with iridescence that tears that don’t fall bring

To feel like you’re giving up, or pulling too hard, or pushing too far, or gripping too tight

Because that is what change often feels like

It takes a lot and demands even more

It wrecks your gut and breaks your bones

Just like broken routines

And yet you have to hold it in, you have to get up everyday

Often with no one to hold or bind you

And no safe haven to run to

And yet not facing it is agony because the truth always prevails

All the little bubbles we make eventually burst and reality hits

By the heavens, it’s probably what I’m most afraid of

And yet I know,

Embracing change is by far the bravest of things and the hardest of things too

Hats off to the bravest amongst us

Because to feel like you are letting go of a part of you

And patching back the pieces that make us a wholesome being

Isn’t something we can all do.

One of the lessons of life: Life is constantly changing for each one of us – sometimes for the better but more than often to challenging. Respect people because you may not take a step if you wore their shoes. And as always, be kind!

Drag days

It’s been AGES since I was last here. I missed you too. Quick one, I hope you are well. Speaking from experience, many of us aren’t. The pandemic really is taking a toll on people in my country and hopefully we and the whole world, wherever you are, will see brighter days and soon.

So my writing juices had dried up, either that, or my willingness to open my mind had taken a leave. So for me to be here, right now, means quite a lot. You may not know this, but this is the only place I can vent unafraid of being misunderstood or having it “reflect” bad on me. Have been having those a lot. But then there is here, MY little place, my safe haven.

So today, as usually the many times I’ve been here, I just want to share, get these thoughts out there and if by gracious chance they are meaningful, maybe you and I both could have benefitted. So, diving right into it, I have been feeling like I’m in a bubble. My entire mind was curled up and even the thought of stretching it hurt. I didn’t want to think, to let anything in or for that matter out. I just wanted to be there, closed off and suffocating. That’s how best I can describe it now. It was so dampening, feeling like I couldn’t go places with my mind, I couldn’t feel my past and yet it lingered close but worst of all was the inability to look out for my future. God I was so hopeless and afraid. Maybe it was the mild sickness I got, maybe it is the fact that things don’t always go according to the grand plans we make. And oh my oh, the way Covid turns plans around. I know because I graduated four months after the usual period. And that too was supposed to be overwhelmingly nice. It was good, But something again felt amiss. I needed a change that never came. So I guess I have to wait. It seems have to do a lot of that anyway and the earlier I prepare my mind for these many waits, the better for me.

Going back to what I think is one of the worst weeks of this year, I could almost stretch that to worst of my life. I was the epitome of negativity. I wonder if I even had a thought that wasn’t a version of doomsday. I wonder if I had a thought where I was happy. I read a book, a good book so to say but I think it came at the wrong time. It was a love story, two people that seemed destined to end up together despite their difficult past. Give that to a mind of negativity and a girl that hasn’t been so lucky with love and you’ll get hopelessness. I lived in that book for two days and i got so envious. And yes, do tell, books and stories are fiction, it’s what the author intended but oh my, I have tried at love and I have failed. I am as unstill as they come. There are days I will want to love and be loved so intensely and many others where a lazy kind of love does it. So you see, I dream of being a hopeless romantic, dreams that seem so fucking distant, it’s so frustrating. I wish this blog today was about my romantic yearns, I could write a book, but this is not it. Today I just wanted to unwind the threads entangled in my mind. One by one, I can pull at and fix if I have to. And if I can’t, I’ll let them be but at least I will know. Did I tell you I have been battling acne since this year began. Yep, that’s a thing. And it sounds trivial until everyone you meet is a dermatologist, with a cure and you cant blame them for two reasons, one, people want to help an two, they don’t ant to be looking at a pimpled face. I remember, there is a week I didn’t want to leave my house because I could not stand the idea of people looking at me, and you’d think a mask would cover up the blemishes and scars and they do I guess but my breakouts get worse so I guess mask acne is also a thing. So that was/is almost frustrating for a confident girl, at least I think myself to be when I have to avoid people. Yeah and don’t tell me, people look at your heart and blah blah, no one that I know of (except superman who I think went back to Krypton) has ultra-vision to see my insides. But also, I wont deny the fact that people have auras and demeanors around them aside their appearance that could affect the way people perceive them.

Getting back to my not-so-great week and I guess the past few months, I have been so out of it. I couldn’t write and that’s supposed to be a hobby. Couldn’t get my assignments, applications, and not even simple tasks like being a sister, a daughter, an aunt or even a girl(friend). Somehow, it was all hard. I didn’t want to do any of it and yet life gives you no breaks. Even when my body was breaking, my mind gave way, even then, all these millions of things had to be done. I still had to be positive and happy and functional. Being functional is so damn exhausting I honestly thought death could be a quiet bliss. But that is so scary considering that’s not something that’s far away anymore. Ever screamed and no voice came. Ever talked and no one heard you. I even tried to hear and listen to something, anything and yet my mind just wouldn’t register a thing. All the things that normally would excite me seemingly a whole stretch of boredom. And then I had a tipping point, had to get out of the house and fix my hair. I kept thinking, if I’m gonna die, at least let me be presentable at it. And that yes, you guessed it, it was anti-climatic. I go to the one place that I always hope to feel warmth, something. And there was nothing. I hated that feeling. To realize that the one person I thought gave a shred of care in the world avoided me. It was a moment of realization that I am so alone. And I would understand or make an excuse for them, my negativity, my coldness drove them away and it’s okay. I have said it here before: to expect another human being to make you happy is simply crazy. People can’t read minds, emotion or just be kind all the times. I don’t read minds, emotions and I’m a bitch sometimes. SO, no excuses for anyone but I figured, if I can count on someone, then why keep lying to myself that I can. I think it’s best to steer clear of lame expectations. So my dear friends, that’s how I lost the “closest” person to me.

So I’ve been in my head a lot, worrying about prospects of the future. And that’s a good sign that I even have them. I came here to let some of it out, detangle some thoughts. I just did and I don’t know if I feel any better. I am still a huge mess, still have a shit ton of things I don’t like about my past and how I wish it was easy to let that go, I’d be a very happy person. I guess eventually, I will forget or something. The present is so fleeting, it’s almost non-existing. The future, that is a huge question mark. I don know the things I want to do, achieve in my career, my life and to a certain extent I can envision it, of course it is marred with bitter experiences and the past, and the could-have been that never were so it’s actually like an film in unstable cuts. And I think it’s about time I made that bucket list and actually do stuff on it. Life is so quick, uncertain, off-plan, random and so many things these days. Maybe, soon I could share that too. I wouldn’t mind knowing what y’all have on your lists, maybe I could just aggregate those. I would totally do that if it ws me from last week, because I didn’t seem to have a mind/thought of my own. I ham now looking back and thinking, I never want to get into that place again. there is so much I cannot simply forget or undo. Hopefully, I can be more present, more trusting in life and more kind to myself and the world. I know that despite all the darkness, it is a beautiful world. Some days are huge drags, huge messes but one day at a time and on those heavy days, an hour at a time until you get through it.

That’s the book, gifted to me after my graduation 😊

I wish you all a lovely time, more happy and warm days and a mind that loves you constantly.

With love

Sarah

Here and now!

Since you’re here and I’m here, we might as well chat!

All I see is the led light of my phone screen.

The smell of my night moisturizer lingers around me and the fresh taste of paste relishes in my mouth.

There is a soft gush of rainfall outside my window.

And a buzzing mosquito behind my ear.

It’s not annoying as it usually is

Because, you know what?

I simply have no space for anger or frustration, pain, hurt or distress.

All I feel right now is gratitude.

And it’s such, oh it’s such a fulfilling emotion

Be grateful for what is, what is not and what you hope for!

Even for a moment, your life will be a million times better 😌

So dear friend, what is happening with you there? This was and is a chat.

The end?

Each second, each moment and day that goes by, we are closer to the end. But is it the end? Maybe not, maybe it is.

I recently lost one of my favorite people. My grandmom. She was so kind. She had a shop that I grew up visiting for the sweet and tasty freebies. Even when I’d decline, she’d force me to have something. There was never a time she was angry or not kind with me. She was old and had her troubles. I only acknowledged those later in life because to me she was just my nice grandma.

She wasn’t very talkative and silence with her was comfortable. When I got older and would visit, she’d make me a nice meal. Wouldn’t let me make it myself because I was her grand baby. But the visits got rarer. The evil perks of growing up. We moved and suddenly I wouldn’t see her as often.

But she never forgot me. She’d always ask after me. She battled with sickness and senility. But she still had love to give. And then she gave way. And I hadn’t seen her in a while. No goodbyes. No last special moments. To the woman that saw me grow up from a young toddler who’d go by her shop after school to get a juice pack for my home journey. My dream was I would repay that kindness. Somehow. But I didn’t get the chance and that, that does hurt. I wanted her to be happy because of me and that’s selfish I know, but I haven’t loved many people the way I did her.

I guess when it’s time, it is time. We said goodbyes that I’m not sure she could hear. I guess those moments are for the living. To make us feel better. I was with her at the very end. Washed and wrapped the Muslim way, still beautiful even in death. It was comforting, bittersweet to have a chance to be with her before she is removed from the face of the earth. I’m grateful I had that chance. It gave me a bit of closure and somehow felt that she would always be a part of me. Gave me a sense of importance too.

I was overwhelmed by the raw emotion people have after losing a loved one. Our relatives. Each one has a story to tell or reminisce. Mine (this is only a highlight) was just one in the many. It was bittersweet to see how many and how much many had loved her.

So is it the end? It’s not. Spiritually many know it’s not. Her memory and legacy live on. So it’s not the end for her with me. It will never be the end for I owe myself, the woman I’m becoming, the kindness I thrive to have, to her. If I ever become a grandmother, I want to be like her. And have a grandkid that will love me like I loved her. Forever.

Rest well❤️

Uganda at 58!

This is one of my favourite days to write. The ninth day of October. If you’ve been with me from the beginning on this blog or even just for a while then you must know I write wearing my heart on the sleeve. And this day, the day before I commemorate the day I was born, each year, gets me giddy. “Why?”, you ask.

Today marks the 58th year of independence of Uganda. The country I’ve known and loved. Loathed too at some point but do we loath that we do not care about? I think not. This year 2020 is one that will go down in history for the turmoil it has caused all over the world and I hope it does. It not making it into the history books will only mean the following years were even more strained and we don’t want that. in fact, many of us may not be able to take it.

The past year since the last Independence day has entailed so much as do any bundle of 365 days, but this one, maybe a little bit more. You see, we have elections for all national leadership positions, that commenced in June this year and will go on till early next year, 2021. This means, the country has been having increased activity, mostly politics. According to the English Oxford dictionary, politics is the activities associated with the governance of a country or area, especially the debate between parties having power. I felt the urge to define that because politics, as much everywhere else, will affects all other aspects of life. Uganda is a highly partisan state, most notably having the economics and service delivery by the different stakeholders heavily reliant on this.

Having that at the back of our heads, the country has been through quite a lot and I’ll highlight just a number that stood out for me. I’m most certain, I’ll not remember it all because again, a year is quite a long time and my memory isn’t what it used to be. That makes me sound like I’m over 80, I’m not but I’m not good at remebering things. Well, let’s dive into it (PS: There is no particular order of occurence or even importance).

1. The goddamn pandemic. Forgive my french or not! Really this Covid-19 pandemic has tested, strained us and killed our brethren. Directly or indirectly, so much life has been lost. The pneumonia-like illness has claimed over a million lives all over the world and its bearing effects even more. Uganda, a developing country has been lucky to have a low prevalence of the disease but I wont celebrate. I have seen more suicides in the six months of the lock-down than ever before. I have seen more homicides, man-slaughters, murders, accidents, sexual violence than I have seen before. And it could partly be that the media coverage of that is/was on a rise but still much attribution goes to the pandemic. My country has been stripped to show its unrelenting thirst and greed with embezzlements, corruptions and failing systems. I have heard of untold hunger, inaccess to medical care, prevalent child and teeanage pregnancies and just a deeply rooted un-compliance/negligence of majority of the population.
2. Gold. Yes, gold! This is a good one. This year has been exceptional with the number of victories and record breaks by Ugandan athletes. Joshua Cheptegei, a long distance runner has really outdone himself making us proud over the years with this year having 3 golden medals from the 5000m Monaco run and Herculis and most recently in the 10000m in Valencia. Not to forget Jacob Kiplimo in the 3000m race in the Golden Gala, Rome and many others.
3. The ivory tower. I go to Makerere University fir my Bachelor’s and to say, even without home bias, it is easily the best university in the country, one of the best on the continent. So, why did it make it on this list, the main building, the iconic building the university aka the Ivory Tower was in flares less than a month ago, 20th of September. Not once but twice, on consecutive days. I refrain from delving into my thoughts on the arson fire still under investigation!
4. The lives we have lost. This is a constant, happening all year round and again and again. But it never gets easier. I’m not inclined to mentioning names because I feel every life lost is just as important. And so many have been lost. Illnesses, accidents, natural causes, suicides, murders and it is painful losing those we love and hold dear. I bid thee farewell our dear ones, forever you stay with us and we are forever grateful for the impact you made on this earth. For the grieved-stricken, my heart felt condolences.
5. After 4, I almost feel like there isn’t much I can add. I do have some pointers like the closed schools, businesses and others and yes these have all had massive impact but at the moment, some of these feel a bit trivial and this is a personal opinion. I want to believe that with every stop there will be a beginning but that’s naive and I only hope each one of us finds solace in the little or much we have going.
6. I almost forgot, politics. Like I already said, that’s a big deal here and mostly everywhere. We already had some elections on lower levels held and to sun it up, it’s been chaotic. Chaos and passion, and chaos again. Fights, rallies (despite the need to social distance), tears, jubilations, conspiracies, betrayals mention it all and there is more to come.

And that basically sums what I can generally highlight about the country since last year. I’m forgetful like I already said. Feel free to add a comment on your biggest highlight(s), I just might edit to include it and thank you for it.

Anyway what is an Independence Day without the reflection of how far we have come. It’s been 58 years since Uganda gained her independence and today I saw a tweet pondering on how much have we grown and developed? Two different phenomena. Personally I think we have grown in population, number of districts and constituencies, in diversity and other aspects. We have developed too just not to our potential and that’s my opinion. Who to bash, the government you’d say? Who is the government? The people. I’m one of the believers of there is power in the people. So where you are, it’s upon you to strive for a better Uganda. Do better at what you do, strive for excellence. Look and support he best and vote, yes exercise your power to the leaders of the country. And then keep doing the best at what you do, school, a job, anything! That’s how we’ll develop.

So why you asked? Because I know and believe this is the e best place there is and I have hope for it, always! I wish you a happy 58th Independence 🎊and auspiciously looking forward to the next one.

With lots of patriotism

Sarah ♥️

Find the You!

Hey there. If you are reading, with whatever feeling you have, I hope by the end of my rant, we’ll both be a step ahead on the happy scale.

So today is one of those days that I usually stay in my head alot. i have my reasons and well this time, I think PMS might have added a kick in there or two.

But, 🤔I am pretty impressed with how I turned out. Do you ever have those moments where you feel so proud? Proud of yourself? Well today and these past few days to be honest have been one of the best days since this lockdown or even the past few years. And why? It’s not easy to explain but I’ll try.

A little background: I like having things in control, but like you know, life hardly gives us what we want (in my experience and I’m not complaining) because for a long time i have had my thoughts totally whack. Yes, I’m poised most of the time but my thoughts can be all over if they choose to be. And I have my triggers (who doesn’t), or so they were because in the past few days, I’ve discovered a strength in me that I never thought I had. and by the heavens, what’s more joyous and prideful than that. Waiting to snap and then you don’t, yay!

I had plans, the major being I was supposed to have finished university by now, that hasn’t happened. And yes, it did or maybe still does frustrate me that things are off track probably at the “worst” possible time, near the finish line, off the momentum went. But I haven’t felt like the world is racing past me because sadly this whole pandemic happened to us all, every single person on earth (well except those that leave off the grid, I guess?) but even if it hadn’ t, so what? Every single person has a different timeline. I’m adjusting, tearing and putting up new plans in my head (I should probably start noting those down for tracking purposes :-/) Well anyway, I wont go on about how many things or achievements, goals I’ve hit during this period because it doesn’t really matter. There could be some or non and I’m totally okay with both paths because what the hell? The world will never stop (even if it seemed to) and one day I’ll not even be here. But, today and now what I feel is proud. Proud that I am not broken, that I can control what I can and accept that I can’t control. Proud that I can stand aside and look at myself and yes, I don’t completely like all I see, but I have a painting brush on one hand, and so much canvas on me to cover. To learn and unlearn is my new motto and I like that me enough.

There is so much darkness everywhere, in so many parts of the world and like it or not, it does rub off on us but again its okay because there is also light and hope doing the same. And for as long as I have that, I’ll strive to pick happy. To look for the best in people (this is a great life hack, especially for the people you care about). To dream and to make things happen, mostly for me (oops sounds selfish right?!) but a certain wise person said, you can’t really expect or burden other people to make you happy. That’s a YOU job, an “inside” job that no one will ever perfect except you. I’ve read a couple of books, seen movies, and interacted with so many people, on- and off-line and trust me our minds work in different ways. We could say the same exact statement or both do act A but completely and utterly have different perceptions, thoughts and meanings of it. That is the reality of people. We are so different with the way our minds work and maybe there is an algorithm for this but I haven’t found it. And that’s okay, I personally like to be different. The point is, you know you the most and no better person to control you than yourself. Leave that other person to do them, to work on them, on their happiness, work on yours, work on yourself, take care of you like you’re paid by the hour to do it and if you two happy people meet (as friends, lovers, or even relatives) share and let the magic sore. And when you don’t feel like making you happy, give you a break and break. It’s okay. If you really love you, you’ll get back up, trust me.

And with that, I end my short rant and I really hope you find the you that really wants to take care of you and love you to the moon (or even to another galaxy) and back. I’m slowly finding her and by God she is amazing.

With love from us both,

Sarah❤️

A Book Review: The Wizard of the Nile

Title:- THE WIZARD OF THE NILE: The Hunt for Joseph Kony

Author:- Matthew Green

Genre:- Biography

Publisher:- Portobello Books Ltd 2008

The Wizard of the Nile is a narration by Matthew Green a Reuter’s news reporter about his rich journey in 2006 through northern Uganda and South Sudan (then Southern Sudan) in his pursuit of one of the most notorious men of Uganda’s history, Joseph Kony.

Being in a foreign land, Green richly describes the cultures of the people he met along his journey, the life styles, the cultures, welcoming and kind despite the carnage and terror that painted this part of the world.

Green unveils the multiple forces, bigger players and many bystanders that led to him to the moment in time. The book depicts the differences among the southern and northern parts of the country majorly attributed to the two decade rule by H.E. Yoweri K. Museveni the president of Uganda and Kony the leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army (LRA).

The multifaceted war brought on so much told and untold suffering as Matthew discovered. Occasionally sharing life stories of people who’d been affected by the war and the reality of it, it depicts how it altered the course of their lives forever and the development of the region.

Looking for a man some called a prophet and other the vessel of the devil was no easy feat, it was life changing, gut wrenching and nerve wrecking. Reading this book, it became even more clear to me that nothing is black and white.

The clash in attitudes towards the rebels seemed to be part of the ambiguity that ran through every aspect of the war. It was a conflict in which the people who chopped off people’s noses were also victims, having been abducted and forced to kill in Kony’s name.

For Green and so many, this war of two decades had gone on for far too long, the people of Acholi (Kony’s tribe) couldn’t see the line between the hero and villain, they were caught in a war between ruler and rebel.

With travels from Kampala to Gulu, camps in Patongo, across borders in Nimule, Juba, forests of Garamba, Khartoum, Green traversed wide in a period of six months to find an answer to “Why?”

Did the answer lie with the spirits, the people, the leaders, the outside world or just madness? Why? Why indeed? Such a simple and yet a compound question as you’ll find out along the journey.

The Wizard of the Nile: The Hunt for Joseph Kony, a first for the author is captivating in its simplicity and relatable in it’s honesty.

It’s a book every Ugandan, in my view, should read for our future is a result of our past and present. As a person who has never been to this part of my country and only a toddler when the war happened, I feel like I was oblivious to so much that happened. And that is a dangerous thing. In the society we live in today, with diversity of cultures and backgrounds, it’s very important to be intentionally cognizant and considerate and even more willing to learn.

Needless to say, this is a history we need to keep alive, not to cause distraught the veterans and victims of the war, neither to cite violence but to teach future generations of how we are here today, why and more importantly that mistakes of the past won’t be repeated. These events are hardly mentioned in school syllabi (for reasons I admit I do not know) but it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to know and remember the struggles of our motherland.

My first book review it is. Have you read the book and what did you think? Share your thoughts with me down in the comment section and keep safe!

With Love,

Sarah A 💕