I’ve been waiting for myself to get the guts to write. I even told myself earlier today that I couldn’t share this part of me yet.
But then here I am. And I can’t say it’s just my guts alone. A friend of mine told me to write it out, that I communicate better here and another friend asked me to share a part of me. So here I am, with their strength, I’m ready to therapise myself in one of the ways I know. Writing as my heart and mind dictate.
Again, someone made me remember that humans aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t expect them to be. That mere fact hasn’t ever stopped any of us to once in a while get caught up in a fallacy of perfection and high hopes. We forget, we are human after all. I had that. I had hope, I had trust. To me those are the important things. Love comes with ease with those. But somewhere, I had all those hopes slammed in my face, trust thrust out of me like a rocket setting off for the far space. The inertia of it was something I thought I couldn’t take. And I couldn’t. For a while. Because for a moment, I had my spirit taken from me, my mind dimmed with anger and negativity. It burned.
The light of hope never left me but it struggled behind the darkness of rage and disappointment. Despite the whirls of my mind to conjure up scenarios of how it could’ve been worse and excuses for the pain, it didn’t physically leave. My insides churned. And then it dawned on me that if I am to fight this darkness, I had to use a light. And this light was forgiveness. If I could remove the blame and take in the situation in it’s reality, I could survive it. And that’s how I went through it.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things, sometimes we want to, we convince ourselves to forgive ourselves and those we think wronged us, but it doesn’t come easy. It takes a while for the backfiring inertia to wear off. It takes time to convince our brains that there wasn’t any other way, that it couldn’t have been different. That we couldn’t have done something different or anything differently and we forget that this life isn’t all about the choices we ourselves make. That there are other forces to it. Well at least that’s my theory now, and things aren’t black and white but in different and many shades of grey or color.
Pain changes us, but change is a force or life, time heals and changes too. And it doesn’t always mean it will be a bad ending or beginning, it could be something new and different. Let the change be positive and if negative (I do have a partially negative change in me) let it not alter the good and the cores of our personalities. If everything that hurt us were to change us, then over time many of us would be moulded into something unrecognizable, something vile. But we hurt, we heal and mould ourselves back to who we want to be. Not what situations want us to be. If a moment defines you, then you enslave yourself to the potential of others.
We live, we hurt, we heal and we change. We learn, we grow and we evolve. We forgive and hope. We make mistakes. We aren’t perfect. We love, we hate but it’s all that makes us human. A friend of mine quoted
“What is life without a little pain?”
It was only later that I realised, that it is these moments that challenge us that make us learn and grow. The good ones do too, but these moments when we are low, when it hurts that we discover the deep and great strengths hidden with in us. We channel our minds and work them and somewhere there is always a solution. I was drowning in my thoughts, but man only has so much control. And realising that is also a strength I’ve found in me. Forgiving is one I’ve always believed in and I’m discovering more of it. Friends and those willing to shoulder us when we cry are strength and blessing. Hope, my greatest strength. Hope in myself and hope in you. If I don’t ever lose that, I guess I’ll always live to afford another smile or wish to make someone smile. And to me, that is something worth living for!
So for the many of you, going through things, it may never be entirely good or perfect. The pain, the hurt, disappointments, rage etcetera, will come and go, sometimes linger but if we can channel our strengths and fight to rise above it, it will be easier with time, and it will leave us better people in the end. I hope.