Evening Ordinaire

I’m back here in no time at all. I’m not good at these entrances but I gotta start somewhere with the rumbling.

Today’s is a narration of sorts that I wanted to do as poem (not good at those truly but they’re easier to do) but I’m not sure how it’ll come out. I guess I’ll have to write it out first. Anyway, here I go with my narration. This is a narration from recent events actually, about 10 minutes ago as I took a stroll to return to my humble abode.

I’m wearing a long white dress, I like the way it sways just above the ground

I’m in a calm mood, not happy but not sad either. I’m just being.

The night is, well, pretty ordinary. It is dark but cars are cruising by their lights blinding me and fading away in literally a blink of an eye.

I’m walking by the side walk. Alone.

I ordinarily enjoy solo walks. I’m enjoying this one too for the very fact that I have this very poem running through my mind.

I was thinking about writing but I couldn’t as I walked for I had to observe and I had to walk and by the gods not fall in the trench or trip on my own foot (I have a habit of texting as I walk and many a times I bump into people or make a misstep, I’m only yet to actually fall!). Not forgetting these unsafe streets in the dark (a smart phone screen is like fresh blood to the unrelenting vampires that walk these streets) so I saved my narration for now.

Back to the walking, I observe and feel. There isn’t wind, the leaves aren’t even rustling a bit. Nature is dead silent. But the car screeches ruin the quiet moment after moment. The air doesn’t even seem to touch my skin, I can’t feel it.

I look up at the sky, nothing. I look away disappointed but I look again, longer this time and a smile flashes my face momentarily. There are stars and a moon. The moon is about three quarters full and the stars shine boringly in the full sky. It’s like they are shining extra shift in the work day night. My face is soon crunched in a thoughtful frown. “These stars aren’t even actually here, they lived a couple of years ago” I think and my mind (as usual) conjures up something: “What seems real may actually not be and the reality may not become apparent to us until it’s too late!” In this case, the stars we see aren’t even in existence but the ones in existence, we can’t see or fathom. That’s the absurdity of life. I’m proud of myself for such boring thoughts and they take me up for part of the journey.

I try to take notice of things around me, anything else but the evening is so basic. There is nothing special (leave alone the consolations of the world that everything is special in its own way) and I’m just walking and thinking and rumbling to myself.

I’m actually talking to myself as I walk, in the dark. There are other people in this planet. Not so far away, people are walking by and this entire time I’ve been talking to myself like a crazy ghost (the long dress is white 👻). I chuckle at my silliness and stop the rumbling, of course no one would recognise me and besides no one has time for crazies, spare time to observe a girl walking by. I’m just any other drop in the ocean. Phew, I’m safe on the mental case, for now!

And besides, I’m almost reaching home. I compose myself better, my thoughts become distracted as I anticipate the comfort I’m going to be in.

Before I forget or feel shy to put it here, as I walked and laughed at the ordinariness of the night, the thought of that one person crossed my mind and I said to myself, “even on an ordinary and basic night like this, when I’m not on a low or a high, I think about you” and it made me wonder when in my life I wouldn’t. When?

Well, this ended up being a narration far away from a poem but I’m only glad, I shared my basic evening with you. After the thoughts and observation, the ordinary seems interesting anyway and I felt is worth sharing. So thank you for the company and letting me share with you.

Have a blessed week ahead, full of ordinary and highs.

Yours,

An ordinary drop in the ocean on an ordinary night

Sarah A N 💚

PS: I always write the titles last which is why there is French (spicing things up😂) and I’m listening to Lana Del Rey, “Born to die” sensational album.

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Roller Coaster!

It’s been over a month since I was last here. Well, it’s not the longest I’ve gone without writing and today, I’m not that enthusiastic about sharing my thoughts but oh well, here I am. The thoughts I have though, wow. It’s been a long month. From women’s day when I last wrote to present time, now that I think of it a lot has changed but yet again, a lot has stayed the same. I actually didn’t realize what a roller coaster of sorts I’ve been on till I sat back and thought. Well lemme share a few things with you but of course some will stay with yours truly; me.

In the past four weeks, I’m sure I’ve barely had a good night sleep of more than 8 hours (and I know that’s optimum but I’m a sleeper, I like to sleep. 10-12 do the charm for me) but again that’s not unusual. I brought it unto myself. I thought I’d be excited to share this news, perhaps I am or I will be later on in life but anyway what kept me awake was the politics, contested for a post at my school and well, the good news is I was elected. Yay right. It was draining, and it still is, I guess that’s what it takes when you choose to engage with the socialties.

Besides that, I’ve discovered more about myself. I guess when you have a lot of things on your table and you realise that’s the direction your life is beginning to take and you don’t completely hate it and you start to embrace it, a lot can change. A lot has changed for me. Things that seemed to be most important or very important to me are very trivial. I guess the point I’m driving to is priority. For the past 5 months or so, my priorities rotated around my emotional well-being (for a couple of reasons) and believe me it’s still one of the huge things I’m for but not up there. Laying back and taking things easy is the trick and I’m learning that. In fact I want to master that. So with that aside, my priority is still me, but not emotional me but the developmental me. The me I’ll look back at in 5 years and say, “wow girl, you made me proud” and that doesn’t come easy. The hardest part is the mindset, the attitude to want to be that but like I said I’m learning. And this venting is one of my ways to assert.

In the past month, I’ve lost and felt the loss. That never ends, I guess it never does and I have to learn to live with that too (for security reasons, won’t share more on that).

Still in the past four weeks, I’ve learned that there are things bigger than us. Some things we can not control. And when they happen, they make us believe. Some things are just pure and innocent they make the world seem like Eden. They’re are so many things I once wished I could control and perhaps change but when events unfold, you realize there isn’t much you or anyone can do. They just are. And in these cases, if it hurts, embrace it and accept that part of life but if it doesn’t hurt, if it brings you or anyone glee or elation, then love it. It never hurts to love. Be happy and love again. Love as much as you can because when that love fades or you lose it or you can’t have it anymore there will be nothing for you to look back on and smile as you stare out the window. When you don’t love, there will always be the question of “what if I had loved?”

My last highlight of my four weeks stems from an argument I had with someone. Yeah, we all get into those because we aren’t perfect but are social beings. I just want to say it to someone out there, if it makes sense, well and good. If not, you’ve probably not encountered the situation. So my message is: don’t always play/feel the victim. I’ve met many so many people and many of them say I come off as a happy joyous girl. I’m not, I don’t even think I’m half as nice as most people think I am but I can say I’m mostly honest. My point is, you can be happy or seem to be (choose). One of my tricks is setting my mind not to feel the victim. Bad things happen to us, everyday every time. But sometimes it’s not even about us. It’s not about you. If you miss on something you feel you’re entitled to, it’s because someone aimed at you missing. And in every bad situation, where not just you is affected, why play the most affected victim. I’ve met people who think someone is always out there to get them and I can assure you honey, no one has that time. Honestly even if some creep out there were out to get you or hate you or has a personal grudge on you, how exactly is that your business. Someone’s thoughts should never set the wheels of your life in motion. That’s your job. To do you and let everyone else do whatever the heck they want. Imagine a bleak world where everyone played victim and everyone is pointing fingers. When I imagine it, I see hatred, self pity and doubt, sadness and unending misery. I could go on and on and on about this but I’m quite sure if the point is there, it’s been driven home. Don’t feel/play victim. From every bad situation, rise with your head high and your wings spread like a phoenix.

So dear friends, the past weeks have been challenging for me. I could say, I’ve seen better days than them but I can’t say I’ve not seen and felt wonders that are going to last me a life time too. Somewhere along the weeks, I feel like my roller coaster stopped got a pimp and changed course. I can’t say I haven’t felt low but I can say I have loved. Loved and loved more than I ever thought I could/would and tell me what’s more wondrous than that!

Women: a short poem

Often a times

More often than some times

We are marginalised

Put aside

Less voiced

It’s been the way

For way too long

We all want to belong

We belong here

We want to feel dear

We do feel

Often tenfold what they feel

That makes us weak

Our lives more bleak

But it also makes us shine

Brighter than Venus and Mars in the night sky

We think too much

And feel even more

It’s our weakness

And our strength

We lift others

Oh we lift others

For we are the mothers

From a seed

We mound into flesh

The flesh mounds into a being

Everything we touch we create magnificence

Hail the strength of a woman

For she was given essence to create

Essence to destroy

If we believe

Like I believe

We are simply the greatest things there is

The mind of a woman

Is the greatest in the arsenal of mankind

Happy international women’s day my darlings.

Embrace who you are, who we are. Whatever makes us weak can make us just as strong.

With love and love,

Sarah♥

Sharing thoughts I

Hey bloggers and readers!

It’s new month here, I’m guessing there too! And allegedly the month of love with the shady story of St. Valentine😰. Well good for you all out there in love, it’s a great feeling and I wish you everlasting joy and mushy happiness. I love love, I always will, probably.

So today, I’m writing for mostly no reason at all. I just had this itch to write, to share myself with you for again no reason. I just want to be out here and know I’m not alone, that my silly thoughts are being heard (technically read however I bet if you know how I sound like, you read this in my voice) and well that’s all. Brings me to think, sometimes we just want to be heard. Listened to too perhaps but at times we want to just let it out and share it with someone, anyone. It’s completely normal I think to want to talk and feel like you matter and that what you think is important and that someone out there cares to hear or listen or anything. It’s this connection we all need. It’s a human thing because we are social animals. We live and thrive on each other.

I’ve discovered in several relations that I might not be a good listener all the time and I have a really thick skull that is hard to penetrate with things or get things out (I’m not sure if that makes sense, today I’m mostly rumbling) but I’m working on that. I think it’s important to listen and give the benefit of the doubt to those we have in our colonies (analogy to bee colonies since both are all social animals and not colony of colonial times or whatever) and just as much important to try to share our thoughts and opinions because out there someone cares. I know that I do, I care what you think and feel so feel free to always share with me and with that person you’re not giving the benefit that they do care.

So in this month of “love”, do love (or try to), share more and definitely listen better. You’re important and so is any other person.

Happy new week and month people of Earth (earthlings).

Yours in cheery mood and in love (with herself)

Sarah❤

The hollow space!

Hello there! It’s been a while since I’ve been here. For almost two months, couldn’t really get myself to write, here anyway. ‘Been keeping a sort of a journal (I had to lest I run mad with my thoughts!) It usually takes courage to let known what you think, what your mind dictates, actually dictates, most times we either keep it in or “edit” the thoughts when they do come out. Both options are hard for me most times! I’m not gifted with those blessings (or are they!)

Anyway point is, I’m finally writing again and that means something. That means that I’m in a phase of acceptance. I’ve been in so much denial about a lot of things. Not letting myself actually accept what I feel. Believe me, I haven’t been numb to emotion, in fact I’ve been in a turmoil of splendidly a lot of it. It’s been a whirl, a circus and mostly I’ve lost weight and learnt a few things. I’m not even sure if they’re important. See that there, what my brain just did: self doubt and just all kinds doubt. That’s what my mind has been day in day out, every second, every moment, every thought stained with uncertainty. Every choice a gamble. And not even a good well thought out gamble, just things left to chance. Do I do this or do I that? Do I do something or nothing? Will it make a difference or not? Will it change or not? Everything has been two sides or even more. Even simple acts that seem so trivial have been an uncertain gamble. I couldn’t let that dictate what I write, in fact if I do actually post this jumble, I’ll be proud of myself for taking a step to clearance. It will be a step to calm my many uncertainties and or to further dive into one or a number of them.

So yesterday, a friend of mine was telling me about an experience one of her friends had. It was pretty much traumatic, it scared me. It hurt me and got me thinking quite a lot, about things around me and myself. I can’t go in to it but it all came down to broken promises, shattered dreams and tangled webs of lies that people wound themselves in and in turn others. People hurt other people, on purpose (to a smaller scale not on purpose) this I’ve learned.

There is never really an excuse, people do what they do after they’ve thought (perhaps not thoroughly) but they (we) know the consequences. We at times make excuses for them or believe the available ones but reality is people have choices and anyone with a sane mind makes a decision or a gamble as it’s been for me.

There is just too much pain among the walking that it’s become an aura so deeply rooted, it aches when I stop to let it in. I looked back and around me and just decided to feel. There was a lot to see and sense, but pain stood out more. Deceit and fear. This has become the color of the world I know. The brightness of the good things in life have been dulled and there is no one to blame. No one but everyone. Every choice and act you make starts a chain of events, sets in motion a tape of things that we’d never know.

“I wasn’t always like this!” I’ve heard this many a time. People talking about a certain point in their life that changed them, or a sequence that got them to a bad place in life. It really hit home today, situations change us in many ways. What you do to one today could cost even up to billions. We perhaps have murderers,bad leaders, terrorists name it all because at a certain point, their life changed because of a situation or an act of another. What I’m saying is that, it’s a chain of events and even the strongest of us can’t wane off the aura of negativity.

My mind has dwindled, I’ve seen myself in a cascade of hope and hopelessness. I’ve never felt so much emptiness as when I have nothing to hope for. When I feel void of any light, any strength to hold on onto the good, the positive, the thought that it gets better. Even when the hope peaked through the peat of grey, the rains of sorrows, the pain of others, the stories and experiences those not ourselves go through just suffocate it and it’s back to that dark black space where nothing matters, where it’s all black coal or flowing tar. A place of hopelessness, void of humanity.

When you let yourself stay in that black space for long, it becomes easier to live and survive there and give up looking for the light. I read some of the posts I had on here when I’d just started this blog, the hope I had, the positivity. I looked back and I could just separate that girl from me. She was different, I’m different. The very things she believed in, I doubt now to the deepest part of my conscious mind. Maybe that’s what it takes to grow up and learn. We lose that parts of us that make us so hopeful so as we don’t get so much disappointment. We lose sight of what we really want our worlds to be. The very things that brought us immense joy are just any other grey particle of this universe. We lose sight of what we have and look and yearn for what we don’t have just to increase the magnitude of hopelessness and dullness in our lives. Maybe we see the world for what it really is, with out the protection we have when we are younger.

I’ve been on the ledge for a while now, many of you are, full of self doubt and so much cynicism or skeptism. Often a times we will walk that ledge and choose between holding on or letting on I’m not certain which one will be better for that given circumstance but I only hope that it will be a decision that takes the turn of events that impact those in our lives in a better way. That it won’t push as further in the dark orbit where no rays of hope shine.

To my knowledge in this regard, in this world, the smart people traverse this earth with logic and seemingly they have it together, but most around them crumbles and then those who use emotion trying to bind pieces only to fit them haphazardly that they crumble are usually the foolish ones (I mostly fall under this group I think). I think the emotional thinkers suffer the most and it’s usually their fault and the logic thinkers suffer the least but most of what is left in their wake is hurt and suffering. We need to have a bit (or much) of both, emotion and logic to better live and learn. And I know the pain will never completely stop, but much of it can be avoided.

Let’s not be prisoners or either our minds or emotions but a warden to both!

Through the doubt and moments of darkness, let’s keep hope that something good, an act of kindness, a moment of reckoning will come and reapers will earn their sow. I for one pray that I never have to choose to stay in a place of utter darkness!

Goodbye (not so) Sweet November!

Sweet November, that is one of the most romantic films I’ve watched. A month, two lovers spent in a “bubble” of romance. It’s a 2001 classic and you should catch it. This post isn’t about that movie or anything romantic (I think) for that matter.

I’m here to jibe away as usual and it’s about how this year has been a tough one. And I didn’t think that in September. I only got to think that in October and November sealed the thought.

November always seemed like the perfect month for me, year is ending, school is usually too, the weather has always been cool (this year it has been confused) and serene and there just is a lot of happiness and grasshoppers (those insects always made everyone at home to be in a good mood, missed that this year, a lot has changed). My mom’s and baby brother’s birthdays are in this month too and a couple of friends. It was supposed to be a good one this year too. I’d wished it had. I even had a special dress for the month, cheesy right?

But it has had its toll on me. I can count the number of days in this sweet November when I felt my heart wasn’t breaking, when my eyes weren’t welling up. This month has been a tide that has pushed me to edges, back and forth unrelenting. This month has hammered in me distress and frustration, confusion and indecisiveness. I honestly hardly remember a time in my life (except for March 2016) where I’ve had to think so hard and yet every thought felt like a gut-wrenching punch to my stomach. An entire month of just walking through space and time and hoping, really hoping that it all comes to pass. And yet every other day, I had to build that hope afresh and live by it, that sliver of hope that I would be okay and myself again. And by some grace every other day, the hope became stronger but it was replacing a part of me. To get something, I had to lose something. For the hope, I had to sacrifice a part of me, bit by bit and it’s not over. The bitter nothings of sweet November still linger and will do so for a while. You had your toll on me, you showed me fear and weakness.

Oh unsweet November, it’s not just me you’ve taken from, many people out there. Many of my friends, many of those I care about. You have been a hard one but I can never condemn you. I’m one of those believers of fate and optimism. There is always a bright side. I’ve learnt from you, probably the hard way and I know I’ll be learning more probably in harder ways. You’ve tested my weaknesses, you’ve made me stronger than I ever imagined to be and for that, cruel November, I’ll remember you.

I bid farewell to you. How I wish when you come next, I will be here and will only (or at least mostly) get sweetness from you my un-sweet November. You used to be my favourite month of the year, so please stay my favourite. It’d hurt and tire to have to look for a new favourite. I still love you my sweet November.

Beautiful and Painful

It’s a world sweet as berries and jam

Pacifying as milk and butter

Beautiful as angels and fairies

Perfect as moons and stars

It’s a world contrasting as ice and fire

Raw as ashes and bones

Painful as rain and the drenching sun

Bitter as bile and vile

It’s everything and nothing

And everything within and in-between

There is black and white

And shades of grey

This world is what we see

And what we can’t see

It plains and widens

It winds and meanders

It twists and turns

It makes and takes

It gives and gets

Oh

It isn’t only ashes and bones

It’s flesh and blood

It’s smiles and laughs

It creates and rewards

It can be a rose

Beautiful but all too painful to hold on to!

Our strengths!

I’ve been waiting for myself to get the guts to write. I even told myself earlier today that I couldn’t share this part of me yet.

But then here I am. And I can’t say it’s just my guts alone. A friend of mine told me to write it out, that I communicate better here and another friend asked me to share a part of me. So here I am, with their strength, I’m ready to therapise myself in one of the ways I know. Writing as my heart and mind dictate.

Again, someone made me remember that humans aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t expect them to be. That mere fact hasn’t ever stopped any of us to once in a while get caught up in a fallacy of perfection and high hopes. We forget, we are human after all. I had that. I had hope, I had trust. To me those are the important things. Love comes with ease with those. But somewhere, I had all those hopes slammed in my face, trust thrust out of me like a rocket setting off for the far space. The inertia of it was something I thought I couldn’t take. And I couldn’t. For a while. Because for a moment, I had my spirit taken from me, my mind dimmed with anger and negativity. It burned.

The light of hope never left me but it struggled behind the darkness of rage and disappointment. Despite the whirls of my mind to conjure up scenarios of how it could’ve been worse and excuses for the pain, it didn’t physically leave. My insides churned. And then it dawned on me that if I am to fight this darkness, I had to use a light. And this light was forgiveness. If I could remove the blame and take in the situation in it’s reality, I could survive it. And that’s how I went through it.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things, sometimes we want to, we convince ourselves to forgive ourselves and those we think wronged us, but it doesn’t come easy. It takes a while for the backfiring inertia to wear off. It takes time to convince our brains that there wasn’t any other way, that it couldn’t have been different. That we couldn’t have done something different or anything differently and we forget that this life isn’t all about the choices we ourselves make. That there are other forces to it. Well at least that’s my theory now, and things aren’t black and white but in different and many shades of grey or color.

Pain changes us, but change is a force or life, time heals and changes too. And it doesn’t always mean it will be a bad ending or beginning, it could be something new and different. Let the change be positive and if negative (I do have a partially negative change in me) let it not alter the good and the cores of our personalities. If everything that hurt us were to change us, then over time many of us would be moulded into something unrecognizable, something vile. But we hurt, we heal and mould ourselves back to who we want to be. Not what situations want us to be. If a moment defines you, then you enslave yourself to the potential of others.

We live, we hurt, we heal and we change. We learn, we grow and we evolve. We forgive and hope. We make mistakes. We aren’t perfect. We love, we hate but it’s all that makes us human. A friend of mine quoted

What is life without a little pain?”

It was only later that I realised, that it is these moments that challenge us that make us learn and grow. The good ones do too, but these moments when we are low, when it hurts that we discover the deep and great strengths hidden with in us. We channel our minds and work them and somewhere there is always a solution. I was drowning in my thoughts, but man only has so much control. And realising that is also a strength I’ve found in me. Forgiving is one I’ve always believed in and I’m discovering more of it. Friends and those willing to shoulder us when we cry are strength and blessing. Hope, my greatest strength. Hope in myself and hope in you. If I don’t ever lose that, I guess I’ll always live to afford another smile or wish to make someone smile. And to me, that is something worth living for!

So for the many of you, going through things, it may never be entirely good or perfect. The pain, the hurt, disappointments, rage etcetera, will come and go, sometimes linger but if we can channel our strengths and fight to rise above it, it will be easier with time, and it will leave us better people in the end. I hope.

10.10

Hey, there! I come with glad tidings today and they are from a couple of days ago. A number of years ago, on 10th of the tenth month, a star (read: normal child) was born. Her light shined bright across the sky (read: her cry resonated through the hospital walls) as she took in gasps of the planet’s fresh (read: polluted) air. Her mother couldn’t have been happier to see this beautiful creature, so fragile and delicate. Frail but all too real. Right there was the child who would make, make what? I’m not sure, we’ll have to ask the star’s mother on that!

So, a couple of days ago several years later, this star. Okay let’s break the ice, that star is me. Yeah I know you’re probably thinking I don’t come off as a bright light or shiny ball of condensed air hung up in the sky, shining next to the moon but then, I felt bright and shining. There wasn’t much to brag about. In fact I prayed that there wouldn’t be anything, I mean the kind of pressure that comes of with birthdays, so fretting. But in the midst of all the birthday wishes, the sweet nothings and happiness I received from people around me, i felt the dimmed lighter flicker back on. It wasn’t something long lived and i was sure it wouldn’t. To be honest, I started writing this post several days ago, on 11th of October, but have been procrastinating it. it was saved to my drafts and when I had a flow of negative energy, i quickly penned the Addictions 👎❌ – read here! post so I realized the power i have to write negativity is stronger for me than sharing my happy and very positive moments which isn’t at all fair. So this morning I’m embarking on this, much as things seem sketchy now and the adrenaline and hormones I had from the excitement on that day have completely waned off so i can’t really convey how great it was again. Basically I missed my chance to. I will not however, cry over this milk that I spilled myself and hopefully next year, I’ll remember to write in the moment.

So as it goes, birthdays are special, one day that occurs every year, well…I’ve never really been a fan. Growing up, these aren’t things my family dotted upon. It was just any other day, no big party, or food, or outings. Maybe an occasional mention by a few people and question of my new age, and maybe for some exceptional 2 birthdays when I was turning 11 and 16 where home people decided I could have some cake and even then, it was really minor. The 16th came as a double to wish me success in my exams. Otherwise it has always been just any other day (with exception for this year and the previous two birthdays when i was at university)! And honestly I don’t mind that, in fact I don’t know how to act when it has to feel like some other day in contrast to any other day. Like I said, it is kind of fretting but again very exciting as I’ve learned. I don’t really exactly know how to feel about it.

And since I can’t (read: won’t) recollect all the events of 10.10 this year, I can still remember the exhilarating feeling of having my light flickering, center of attention and the baby for the day, in fact, for the next day as well. Had cake which was lovely and wish I could share it with you my reader, in spirit maybe. Friends who haven’t contacted me for a while made a show and I’m glad that in a way this beautiful (read: dreaded) day has some incentives to it. My mom (shocker!) called to wish me a good one and so did other “home” people. There was also the major benefit of, how can I phrase it, uncommon word being said to me…lovely messages that got all my endorphins riled up and got me through the day. I had class for half the day, then the other half doing official responsibilities and it was in the evening, worn out that i enjoyed the niceties of friendship and love. but all in all I was glad and appreciative of this beautiful day and all the ones that made it special, really special for me. I’m grateful I made a new age and I think I should draft up just as many resolutions as my age (oh my, those are going to be too many!) to get through the year.

Thank you and to the new age, cheers!

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