Right or Happy

It’s never easy making choices

Each turn costs you

You end up making faces

That is life though

I’m having cases

Folly and foe

Decisions and messes

Right or happy

But I hear happy can be short-lived

Guess I have to be sad for a while

To reach greater places

Places of everlasting joy

Wish it all had you.

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A Time Away!

So it’s been a while since I’ve written. Tried writing about something last week but realized it wasn’t the right time. It’s not yet that right time for that so I’ll just go on and chant about this today.

So I’ve been doing a recess term of sorts this past five weeks and came here with 19 other people in my class. So it’s been like a camp thing, all away from home (well some have their homes here or near this part of the country). We are in a remote part of the country, well I am studying a science of forestry and you don’t go finding forests in the urban areas (but this can change) so yes! This is where I’ve been humbly aboard. Very much into contact with nature than I have ever been. Breathing fresher air and discovering more about myself and my surroundings in many ways I’m hardly recollecting even half of them.

So it has been a hell of a ride and it rocked all the way, through the ups and downs. I discovered a lot about myself I have to say and a lot about my surroundings and how circumstances change each one of us.

The twenty that went aren’t exactly the same twenty that came back and that may not necessarily be a good or bad thing. It’s just how it is. When we live with people from all parts of the country, different cultures and circumstance puts you together, we study and learn. And learning makes us better people in the long run. Having to see people I usually see for a few hours or non a day for an entire five weeks is something new. This wasn’t the first time we camped and yet to me, it felt like a first. Maybe it’s that kind of place that gives you that feel of a first each time or maybe I was more open and aware of my surroundings.

We worked, studied, played and hanged out together and I got to learn something new, something I’d never noticed before about each one of them. The kindness that had never got a chance to be shown, the hard work and commitment, the care and so much more. Much as some downs came and arguments and tempers, fatigue and irritation rose, it was never permanent and we thrived through it. The strong tides just brought us closer and moments came when all grudges fell beneath us and it was just us doing what we do in common, being people with common interests and togetherness that surprised and warmed me. We watched soccer and raved about it, roasted meat over the same fire and the warmth of friendship filled the air.

The burning embers that softly roasted the meat over the moonlight

And then there was one of my most favorite people featuring (a blush and smile crosses my face) and I could go on about that but oh well I won’t, I’m selfish like that so I won’t share.

The beautiful scenery we shared in awe

But not to forget the essence of the term, I learnt a lot. I could see my self being really useful in the future and somehow much as I would love for time to slow down so that I can enjoy my usually to-die-for moments to the fullest, I’m eager for the future, for what I’ll be and I’m hopeful and eager for it all.

It was a beautiful journey and I appreciate those who were a part of it.

The darling one!

Acceptance finally came

But the pain never went away

The rolling tape of the moments we had shared

And the stillness of your steel-cold self

Lying there

Oblivious to my cries

Oblivious to my touch

In a lifeless slumber

My woes

I begged you to come back

To stay

But you didn’t

The pain stayed

The hurt never left

My heart bled red

In contrast to the paleness of your skin

The whiteness of your lips

My eyes streamed

With each memory

Memories of love

Memories of happiness

Memories of you my dear one

You left me and never returned

But I still hold your memory close to me

The pain never relinquishes

It just reclines, but never to cease

Oh my darling one

How I miss you

That beautiful smile

That beautiful heart

The sorrow you left

In your wake

Breaks my heart

Breaks her heart too

And their hearts too

But we hold you dear

Always

The darling one.

In memory of a young man I once knew, brutally murdered and left out cold in the stillness and anguish of the dark night.

Crashes

When despair and sadness meet
Tolerance crashes
When I think of what is

And what it should be
Anger explodes with in
Like a bile duct burst under pressure
Spreading it’s bitterness

Infecting with rage
When I’m like this
It’s best you steer clear of me!

Sharp Edges!

I derive that title from a song “Sharp Edges” by the Linkin Park (I’m cool about music too right?!) and it has these really deep lyrics, they resonate to me. This isn’t a review about the song, I wish it could be but worry not, I intend to refer to the lines. It is about the sharp edges of life, moments and almost everything there is. Well to be fair, that’s what the song is about. I think so anyway.

Sometimes, there are things we know we shouldn’t do, that we don’t have to do and we are aware and yet we do them anyway, for various reasons in different situations. Well, you may wonder why we can’t do some things. I can’t have a definite answer to this but maybe it all comes down to virtues, the things we believe in. The way we perceive life and our definitions of right and wrong and these, I’ve learnt vary for each one of us and for the very many of us. And that’s the nature of humanity.

So for each one of us, when we have those things we don’t want to do or can’t imagine ourselves doing for the many reasons there is and yet there is a possibility you will do it. These are the Sharp Edges. The things that make us (almost) have regrets, that bring turmoil within us and pain or anger and a vast array of emotions.

Sharp edges have consequences

                                                                                              – Linkin Park

And they do have consequences. I guess what I’m saying is that in a society, in a situation when you do something wrong (known or unknown), there is always a price to pay. Not to be judge or jury but that’s just it. You may or may not realize it but that is nature. There has to be a balance. And this life isn’t fair, what you give isn’t always what you’ll get. It may be more or less. Action and reaction aren’t always equal as we may think. Something maybe adverse but nonetheless, I guess that’s what makes it worth living.

Always think before you speak, and watch the friends you keep

-Linkin Park

We all have our sharp edges, I for sure have mine and I won’t say that i have figured out a way to counter them, I may never ever be completely able to but why go so far when I know there is a way, at least I do think it could be a way, a timely solution. Sharp edges are a fog of darkness and the sharper, the darker. But forgiveness. Forgiveness. That could be a ray of light.

When we are wronged, we forgive. and when we wrong, ask to be forgiven. But that isn’t always enough. Sometimes, what we really need is to  forgive ourselves. Often we judge ourselves too harshly not knowing that this could cost us just as much as any guilt. Self forgiveness is very hard and controversial but it is important and necessary. Sometimes, we may need that light to come from within to wash away that darkness. And, lo;

We all fall down
We live somehow
We learn what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger

-Linkin Park

So when the edges slice, counter them with your light and your strength and stand firm. Life after all is all that we make it.

 

Inspired by a few edges I’ve had recently. Feel free to share with me in the Comments section. And I thank you for staying with me as i Rant about my inner turmoils.

PS: The full lyrics of “Sharp Edges” – Linkin Park  you may learn something and for the awesome song itself; Click here and enjoy. It’s a great one 😉

Glass Hearts 💖

You were a stranger
Who looked straight through my heart
Saw all the broken pieces & buried emotions
That I don’t dare pick or wake up
Just to end up going through it again

Like some abandoned house
With sagging porches
Broken windows
Keeps the strangers away
It feels safe that way

Don’t care too much
Don’t put back the pieces
Being whole again
Close to another heart
I’ll hurt you
Before I let u drop me down
Again, into many worthless pieces.

By Stefan Kanage Schmedt

Sarah (Ed.)

Leadership

Leadership can be a job to some, a service to some, a duty to some and many other positions to others.

In my time as a leader, I learnt that it could be both a duty and service. But that’s not all there is to it. It is a voluntary service, it is an experience, it is a platform.

I was serving as a Finance secretary for my school council and yesterday I had to handover to the next generation of leaders. It was an emotional moment for me. Believe it or not, a part of me changed. I remembered the beginning of my journey. When I had just joined university, a bit naive about the politics of here when someone approached me and gave me this idea that I could have a chance to serve the community I had just joined. I was scared but I’m an adventurous soul, I wanted to give it a try and knowing my ethical stands, I knew I could make it. I wanted to make it.

All through the campaigns, the pressure of voters and losing(well you could call it not winning), It took a toll on me but when it was time, I was chosen by the people as a leader. Everything else seemed to fall away. The tire of sleepless nights and the demanding work of aiming for a win seemed to wane off. I was filled with joy and pride. I was ecstatic. People who hardly knew me had trusted me, had given me a chance, a higher platform and there wasn’t any sufficient way I could express my gratitude but I vowed to serve them with my best.

It wasn’t a smooth run because of the many aspects. The challenges, influences of others, manipulations and shadow conspiracies and choices. Choices. Everyone has these, myself, my fellow leaders, and those with more authority. Even the people.

Faced with choices to choose upon, the easy way out(usually not the best one) or the right way out, I had and learnt to make decisions and stand upon them. Sometimes (even in life), you can’t make these alone so with consultation and involving all parties(not all authority is with leaders or a single individual) with concern I went through it. Even when I had to make choices that weren’t exactly mine to make, I had the betterment of my community at heart. I took upon responsibilities out of my jurisdiction, not to forcefully take authority or demean others but because no one else was willing. Now this seems like self praise but in the end, there wasn’t any physical benefit, yes maybe I do thrive in these achievements, the feeling of satisfaction and pride in myself and maybe that is selfish but I am human. And having my conscience at peace knowing I did the best I could with the authority given to me is more than enough.

Some people may have been disappointed but I know someone or someones out there appreciated my work. They we’re proud of me and acknowledged my efforts. Non of it was in vain. And that, that is one of the best things I have ever experienced in my life.

This was a journey that I started out not knowing how events would unfold, how much I would learn but completing it, it all dawned on me how much I have changed, how stronger I have become, the virtues of life I’ve learnt, patience, tolerance, teamwork and selflessness. I have met so many people along the way, my leadership defining me. This was great.

Some times to give to the people, you give up some things.

And to be a leader is a constant duty to be an example.

I thank God, for Leadership is from God, my community, my fellow leaders and all the support of friends and family I had to achieve this. It was a dream come true. And the whole term of service has been an experience to reckon with.

I hope that my service has been and will continue to be a positive impact to me, to you, my people (which BTW are family to me now) and anywhere out in the world.

Once a leader, always a leader. I will always look out for my people.

ⒸFormer Finance Secretary of the School of Forestry, Environmental and Geographical Sciences, Makerere University.

Time and haste!

I’m a believer of;

“Things Happen for a Reason”,

and that has led to my acceptance of many things and situations. Good and bad. There is always a reason we are unaware of, one that explains even things or situations we do not like.
In my few years on this earth, I’ve met several people. I’ve experienced a couple of things and from some of these I have learned. I’ll share a story (well kind of, I mean I don’t want to get into the details here).
It was a time in my life when I was desperate. Desperate for something solid I could hold myself unto, something that could protect me or maybe absorb shocks from the new phase of my life I was getting into. I do remember the feeling of excitement when I leaned towards the decision of desperation I was making. All the fraught decisions. It wasn’t bad at all at least not at the moment.
It was merry for a while, I was proving a point mostly to myself and I forgot(set aside) the very fundamentals of being happy. Living in the moment, I started to lose myself, and things didn’t seem alright anymore. Nothing on the outside seemed wrong. It was going perfect on the surface and yet as time went by, as I lived with my choices, I felt like I was drowning. It didn’t feel right. The flashbacks of my choices and their entailments choked me and yes, to be honest I regretted. And that is one of the worst feeling I ever had.
So I had to get out of this situation and be what I am. What I am happy being and that wasn’t easy knowing I could lose something vital but it had to be done. So I did and slowly, steadily I found a solid ground beneath my feet.
After that experience I realised that I had to be my own solid ground. And with that, everything seemed to fall into place, most things anyway.
I do not regret my experience now. It is one of the key things that made me firm with my beliefs and gave me a new understanding of myself. Understanding of what I want not what I might want. It happened for a reason at a time when I needed to transition myself from being a desperate girl to a little bit more self-centered. And that comes off not-so-nice of me but everyone needs that. Putting you first. Not going out of your way, your morals or principles to fit in a situation or please someone or society. Making hasty decisions because you’re desperate for something, a situation, safety or approval or just about as much as it goes. There is usually regret at the end of that road.
I learnt by experience and if you can learn by mine (feel free to contact for the detailed story) that would be great.
Lately (and I think more in the future) I’ve been faced with important (to me, the other involved parties and my emotional well-being) situations to make decisions or be part of the choices and I’ve had a few friends going through something like this so I decided to vent (on my Safe Haven) and see what my bloggy mind could conjure up and here I am. Laid back and more sure of myself than when I started to type.
I’m not sure if I’ve conveyed the point well(being vague and all) but what I know(what I am thinking) is that we do not have to make hasty decisions for whatever reasons and I know there are desperate times that require desperate measures and sometimes it is okay, in some aspects of life, it could be okay. What I’m sure of is that it isn’t for the emotional aspect. Some things take time (ever heard of the saying; “Good things take time” I think I true). Everything happens (is) for a reason and sometimes we do not know these reasons or can we explain them. Sometimes(most times) we have to put ourselves and our values first, take time and observe, study and make conclusions(in this case, make the decisions). It saves a lot of that stress or regret and doubts in oneself. Things are in motion for a reason.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want but what we need

OUR SIDE OF THE WINDOW

I open my eyes at the first ray of the sunrise
There you’re
Smiling in your sleep
Folded in white silk sheets
Like mountains along the bed of a river
Racing together till they kiss the blue skies

The sun washing yo face
With the morning scent of the flowers
The winds smoothly crushing against your skin

It gets so silent
Caged birds singing
Looking at you,
I can see you in your dreams
So fragile even a touch can pull you out

Laying next to yours
Is a heart that can’t do without you
Without your laughter at dinner
Without your soft touch in the middle of the night.

©Stefan Kanage

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