Hello there! It’s been a while since I’ve been here. For almost two months, couldn’t really get myself to write, here anyway. ‘Been keeping a sort of a journal (I had to lest I run mad with my thoughts!) It usually takes courage to let known what you think, what your mind dictates, actually dictates, most times we either keep it in or “edit” the thoughts when they do come out. Both options are hard for me most times! I’m not gifted with those blessings (or are they!)
Anyway point is, I’m finally writing again and that means something. That means that I’m in a phase of acceptance. I’ve been in so much denial about a lot of things. Not letting myself actually accept what I feel. Believe me, I haven’t been numb to emotion, in fact I’ve been in a turmoil of splendidly a lot of it. It’s been a whirl, a circus and mostly I’ve lost weight and learnt a few things. I’m not even sure if they’re important. See that there, what my brain just did: self doubt and just all kinds doubt. That’s what my mind has been day in day out, every second, every moment, every thought stained with uncertainty. Every choice a gamble. And not even a good well thought out gamble, just things left to chance. Do I do this or do I that? Do I do something or nothing? Will it make a difference or not? Will it change or not? Everything has been two sides or even more. Even simple acts that seem so trivial have been an uncertain gamble. I couldn’t let that dictate what I write, in fact if I do actually post this jumble, I’ll be proud of myself for taking a step to clearance. It will be a step to calm my many uncertainties and or to further dive into one or a number of them.
So yesterday, a friend of mine was telling me about an experience one of her friends had. It was pretty much traumatic, it scared me. It hurt me and got me thinking quite a lot, about things around me and myself. I can’t go in to it but it all came down to broken promises, shattered dreams and tangled webs of lies that people wound themselves in and in turn others. People hurt other people, on purpose (to a smaller scale not on purpose) this I’ve learned.
There is never really an excuse, people do what they do after they’ve thought (perhaps not thoroughly) but they (we) know the consequences. We at times make excuses for them or believe the available ones but reality is people have choices and anyone with a sane mind makes a decision or a gamble as it’s been for me.
There is just too much pain among the walking that it’s become an aura so deeply rooted, it aches when I stop to let it in. I looked back and around me and just decided to feel. There was a lot to see and sense, but pain stood out more. Deceit and fear. This has become the color of the world I know. The brightness of the good things in life have been dulled and there is no one to blame. No one but everyone. Every choice and act you make starts a chain of events, sets in motion a tape of things that we’d never know.
“I wasn’t always like this!” I’ve heard this many a time. People talking about a certain point in their life that changed them, or a sequence that got them to a bad place in life. It really hit home today, situations change us in many ways. What you do to one today could cost even up to billions. We perhaps have murderers,bad leaders, terrorists name it all because at a certain point, their life changed because of a situation or an act of another. What I’m saying is that, it’s a chain of events and even the strongest of us can’t wane off the aura of negativity.
My mind has dwindled, I’ve seen myself in a cascade of hope and hopelessness. I’ve never felt so much emptiness as when I have nothing to hope for. When I feel void of any light, any strength to hold on onto the good, the positive, the thought that it gets better. Even when the hope peaked through the peat of grey, the rains of sorrows, the pain of others, the stories and experiences those not ourselves go through just suffocate it and it’s back to that dark black space where nothing matters, where it’s all black coal or flowing tar. A place of hopelessness, void of humanity.
When you let yourself stay in that black space for long, it becomes easier to live and survive there and give up looking for the light. I read some of the posts I had on here when I’d just started this blog, the hope I had, the positivity. I looked back and I could just separate that girl from me. She was different, I’m different. The very things she believed in, I doubt now to the deepest part of my conscious mind. Maybe that’s what it takes to grow up and learn. We lose that parts of us that make us so hopeful so as we don’t get so much disappointment. We lose sight of what we really want our worlds to be. The very things that brought us immense joy are just any other grey particle of this universe. We lose sight of what we have and look and yearn for what we don’t have just to increase the magnitude of hopelessness and dullness in our lives. Maybe we see the world for what it really is, with out the protection we have when we are younger.
I’ve been on the ledge for a while now, many of you are, full of self doubt and so much cynicism or skeptism. Often a times we will walk that ledge and choose between holding on or letting on I’m not certain which one will be better for that given circumstance but I only hope that it will be a decision that takes the turn of events that impact those in our lives in a better way. That it won’t push as further in the dark orbit where no rays of hope shine.
To my knowledge in this regard, in this world, the smart people traverse this earth with logic and seemingly they have it together, but most around them crumbles and then those who use emotion trying to bind pieces only to fit them haphazardly that they crumble are usually the foolish ones (I mostly fall under this group I think). I think the emotional thinkers suffer the most and it’s usually their fault and the logic thinkers suffer the least but most of what is left in their wake is hurt and suffering. We need to have a bit (or much) of both, emotion and logic to better live and learn. And I know the pain will never completely stop, but much of it can be avoided.
Let’s not be prisoners or either our minds or emotions but a warden to both!
Through the doubt and moments of darkness, let’s keep hope that something good, an act of kindness, a moment of reckoning will come and reapers will earn their sow. I for one pray that I never have to choose to stay in a place of utter darkness!