Evening Ordinaire

I’m back here in no time at all. I’m not good at these entrances but I gotta start somewhere with the rumbling.

Today’s is a narration of sorts that I wanted to do as poem (not good at those truly but they’re easier to do) but I’m not sure how it’ll come out. I guess I’ll have to write it out first. Anyway, here I go with my narration. This is a narration from recent events actually, about 10 minutes ago as I took a stroll to return to my humble abode.

I’m wearing a long white dress, I like the way it sways just above the ground

I’m in a calm mood, not happy but not sad either. I’m just being.

The night is, well, pretty ordinary. It is dark but cars are cruising by their lights blinding me and fading away in literally a blink of an eye.

I’m walking by the side walk. Alone.

I ordinarily enjoy solo walks. I’m enjoying this one too for the very fact that I have this very poem running through my mind.

I was thinking about writing but I couldn’t as I walked for I had to observe and I had to walk and by the gods not fall in the trench or trip on my own foot (I have a habit of texting as I walk and many a times I bump into people or make a misstep, I’m only yet to actually fall!). Not forgetting these unsafe streets in the dark (a smart phone screen is like fresh blood to the unrelenting vampires that walk these streets) so I saved my narration for now.

Back to the walking, I observe and feel. There isn’t wind, the leaves aren’t even rustling a bit. Nature is dead silent. But the car screeches ruin the quiet moment after moment. The air doesn’t even seem to touch my skin, I can’t feel it.

I look up at the sky, nothing. I look away disappointed but I look again, longer this time and a smile flashes my face momentarily. There are stars and a moon. The moon is about three quarters full and the stars shine boringly in the full sky. It’s like they are shining extra shift in the work day night. My face is soon crunched in a thoughtful frown. “These stars aren’t even actually here, they lived a couple of years ago” I think and my mind (as usual) conjures up something: “What seems real may actually not be and the reality may not become apparent to us until it’s too late!” In this case, the stars we see aren’t even in existence but the ones in existence, we can’t see or fathom. That’s the absurdity of life. I’m proud of myself for such boring thoughts and they take me up for part of the journey.

I try to take notice of things around me, anything else but the evening is so basic. There is nothing special (leave alone the consolations of the world that everything is special in its own way) and I’m just walking and thinking and rumbling to myself.

I’m actually talking to myself as I walk, in the dark. There are other people in this planet. Not so far away, people are walking by and this entire time I’ve been talking to myself like a crazy ghost (the long dress is white 👻). I chuckle at my silliness and stop the rumbling, of course no one would recognise me and besides no one has time for crazies, spare time to observe a girl walking by. I’m just any other drop in the ocean. Phew, I’m safe on the mental case, for now!

And besides, I’m almost reaching home. I compose myself better, my thoughts become distracted as I anticipate the comfort I’m going to be in.

Before I forget or feel shy to put it here, as I walked and laughed at the ordinariness of the night, the thought of that one person crossed my mind and I said to myself, “even on an ordinary and basic night like this, when I’m not on a low or a high, I think about you” and it made me wonder when in my life I wouldn’t. When?

Well, this ended up being a narration far away from a poem but I’m only glad, I shared my basic evening with you. After the thoughts and observation, the ordinary seems interesting anyway and I felt is worth sharing. So thank you for the company and letting me share with you.

Have a blessed week ahead, full of ordinary and highs.

Yours,

An ordinary drop in the ocean on an ordinary night

Sarah A N 💚

PS: I always write the titles last which is why there is French (spicing things up😂) and I’m listening to Lana Del Rey, “Born to die” sensational album.

The hollow space!

Hello there! It’s been a while since I’ve been here. For almost two months, couldn’t really get myself to write, here anyway. ‘Been keeping a sort of a journal (I had to lest I run mad with my thoughts!) It usually takes courage to let known what you think, what your mind dictates, actually dictates, most times we either keep it in or “edit” the thoughts when they do come out. Both options are hard for me most times! I’m not gifted with those blessings (or are they!)

Anyway point is, I’m finally writing again and that means something. That means that I’m in a phase of acceptance. I’ve been in so much denial about a lot of things. Not letting myself actually accept what I feel. Believe me, I haven’t been numb to emotion, in fact I’ve been in a turmoil of splendidly a lot of it. It’s been a whirl, a circus and mostly I’ve lost weight and learnt a few things. I’m not even sure if they’re important. See that there, what my brain just did: self doubt and just all kinds doubt. That’s what my mind has been day in day out, every second, every moment, every thought stained with uncertainty. Every choice a gamble. And not even a good well thought out gamble, just things left to chance. Do I do this or do I that? Do I do something or nothing? Will it make a difference or not? Will it change or not? Everything has been two sides or even more. Even simple acts that seem so trivial have been an uncertain gamble. I couldn’t let that dictate what I write, in fact if I do actually post this jumble, I’ll be proud of myself for taking a step to clearance. It will be a step to calm my many uncertainties and or to further dive into one or a number of them.

So yesterday, a friend of mine was telling me about an experience one of her friends had. It was pretty much traumatic, it scared me. It hurt me and got me thinking quite a lot, about things around me and myself. I can’t go in to it but it all came down to broken promises, shattered dreams and tangled webs of lies that people wound themselves in and in turn others. People hurt other people, on purpose (to a smaller scale not on purpose) this I’ve learned.

There is never really an excuse, people do what they do after they’ve thought (perhaps not thoroughly) but they (we) know the consequences. We at times make excuses for them or believe the available ones but reality is people have choices and anyone with a sane mind makes a decision or a gamble as it’s been for me.

There is just too much pain among the walking that it’s become an aura so deeply rooted, it aches when I stop to let it in. I looked back and around me and just decided to feel. There was a lot to see and sense, but pain stood out more. Deceit and fear. This has become the color of the world I know. The brightness of the good things in life have been dulled and there is no one to blame. No one but everyone. Every choice and act you make starts a chain of events, sets in motion a tape of things that we’d never know.

“I wasn’t always like this!” I’ve heard this many a time. People talking about a certain point in their life that changed them, or a sequence that got them to a bad place in life. It really hit home today, situations change us in many ways. What you do to one today could cost even up to billions. We perhaps have murderers,bad leaders, terrorists name it all because at a certain point, their life changed because of a situation or an act of another. What I’m saying is that, it’s a chain of events and even the strongest of us can’t wane off the aura of negativity.

My mind has dwindled, I’ve seen myself in a cascade of hope and hopelessness. I’ve never felt so much emptiness as when I have nothing to hope for. When I feel void of any light, any strength to hold on onto the good, the positive, the thought that it gets better. Even when the hope peaked through the peat of grey, the rains of sorrows, the pain of others, the stories and experiences those not ourselves go through just suffocate it and it’s back to that dark black space where nothing matters, where it’s all black coal or flowing tar. A place of hopelessness, void of humanity.

When you let yourself stay in that black space for long, it becomes easier to live and survive there and give up looking for the light. I read some of the posts I had on here when I’d just started this blog, the hope I had, the positivity. I looked back and I could just separate that girl from me. She was different, I’m different. The very things she believed in, I doubt now to the deepest part of my conscious mind. Maybe that’s what it takes to grow up and learn. We lose that parts of us that make us so hopeful so as we don’t get so much disappointment. We lose sight of what we really want our worlds to be. The very things that brought us immense joy are just any other grey particle of this universe. We lose sight of what we have and look and yearn for what we don’t have just to increase the magnitude of hopelessness and dullness in our lives. Maybe we see the world for what it really is, with out the protection we have when we are younger.

I’ve been on the ledge for a while now, many of you are, full of self doubt and so much cynicism or skeptism. Often a times we will walk that ledge and choose between holding on or letting on I’m not certain which one will be better for that given circumstance but I only hope that it will be a decision that takes the turn of events that impact those in our lives in a better way. That it won’t push as further in the dark orbit where no rays of hope shine.

To my knowledge in this regard, in this world, the smart people traverse this earth with logic and seemingly they have it together, but most around them crumbles and then those who use emotion trying to bind pieces only to fit them haphazardly that they crumble are usually the foolish ones (I mostly fall under this group I think). I think the emotional thinkers suffer the most and it’s usually their fault and the logic thinkers suffer the least but most of what is left in their wake is hurt and suffering. We need to have a bit (or much) of both, emotion and logic to better live and learn. And I know the pain will never completely stop, but much of it can be avoided.

Let’s not be prisoners or either our minds or emotions but a warden to both!

Through the doubt and moments of darkness, let’s keep hope that something good, an act of kindness, a moment of reckoning will come and reapers will earn their sow. I for one pray that I never have to choose to stay in a place of utter darkness!

Our strengths!

I’ve been waiting for myself to get the guts to write. I even told myself earlier today that I couldn’t share this part of me yet.

But then here I am. And I can’t say it’s just my guts alone. A friend of mine told me to write it out, that I communicate better here and another friend asked me to share a part of me. So here I am, with their strength, I’m ready to therapise myself in one of the ways I know. Writing as my heart and mind dictate.

Again, someone made me remember that humans aren’t perfect and we shouldn’t expect them to be. That mere fact hasn’t ever stopped any of us to once in a while get caught up in a fallacy of perfection and high hopes. We forget, we are human after all. I had that. I had hope, I had trust. To me those are the important things. Love comes with ease with those. But somewhere, I had all those hopes slammed in my face, trust thrust out of me like a rocket setting off for the far space. The inertia of it was something I thought I couldn’t take. And I couldn’t. For a while. Because for a moment, I had my spirit taken from me, my mind dimmed with anger and negativity. It burned.

The light of hope never left me but it struggled behind the darkness of rage and disappointment. Despite the whirls of my mind to conjure up scenarios of how it could’ve been worse and excuses for the pain, it didn’t physically leave. My insides churned. And then it dawned on me that if I am to fight this darkness, I had to use a light. And this light was forgiveness. If I could remove the blame and take in the situation in it’s reality, I could survive it. And that’s how I went through it.

Forgiveness is one of the hardest things, sometimes we want to, we convince ourselves to forgive ourselves and those we think wronged us, but it doesn’t come easy. It takes a while for the backfiring inertia to wear off. It takes time to convince our brains that there wasn’t any other way, that it couldn’t have been different. That we couldn’t have done something different or anything differently and we forget that this life isn’t all about the choices we ourselves make. That there are other forces to it. Well at least that’s my theory now, and things aren’t black and white but in different and many shades of grey or color.

Pain changes us, but change is a force or life, time heals and changes too. And it doesn’t always mean it will be a bad ending or beginning, it could be something new and different. Let the change be positive and if negative (I do have a partially negative change in me) let it not alter the good and the cores of our personalities. If everything that hurt us were to change us, then over time many of us would be moulded into something unrecognizable, something vile. But we hurt, we heal and mould ourselves back to who we want to be. Not what situations want us to be. If a moment defines you, then you enslave yourself to the potential of others.

We live, we hurt, we heal and we change. We learn, we grow and we evolve. We forgive and hope. We make mistakes. We aren’t perfect. We love, we hate but it’s all that makes us human. A friend of mine quoted

“What is life without a little pain?”

It was only later that I realised, that it is these moments that challenge us that make us learn and grow. The good ones do too, but these moments when we are low, when it hurts that we discover the deep and great strengths hidden with in us. We channel our minds and work them and somewhere there is always a solution. I was drowning in my thoughts, but man only has so much control. And realising that is also a strength I’ve found in me. Forgiving is one I’ve always believed in and I’m discovering more of it. Friends and those willing to shoulder us when we cry are strength and blessing. Hope, my greatest strength. Hope in myself and hope in you. If I don’t ever lose that, I guess I’ll always live to afford another smile or wish to make someone smile. And to me, that is something worth living for!

So for the many of you, going through things, it may never be entirely good or perfect. The pain, the hurt, disappointments, rage etcetera, will come and go, sometimes linger but if we can channel our strengths and fight to rise above it, it will be easier with time, and it will leave us better people in the end. I hope.

Time and haste!

I’m a believer of;

“Things Happen for a Reason”,

and that has led to my acceptance of many things and situations. Good and bad. There is always a reason we are unaware of, one that explains even things or situations we do not like.
In my few years on this earth, I’ve met several people. I’ve experienced a couple of things and from some of these I have learned. I’ll share a story (well kind of, I mean I don’t want to get into the details here).
It was a time in my life when I was desperate. Desperate for something solid I could hold myself unto, something that could protect me or maybe absorb shocks from the new phase of my life I was getting into. I do remember the feeling of excitement when I leaned towards the decision of desperation I was making. All the fraught decisions. It wasn’t bad at all at least not at the moment.
It was merry for a while, I was proving a point mostly to myself and I forgot(set aside) the very fundamentals of being happy. Living in the moment, I started to lose myself, and things didn’t seem alright anymore. Nothing on the outside seemed wrong. It was going perfect on the surface and yet as time went by, as I lived with my choices, I felt like I was drowning. It didn’t feel right. The flashbacks of my choices and their entailments choked me and yes, to be honest I regretted. And that is one of the worst feeling I ever had.
So I had to get out of this situation and be what I am. What I am happy being and that wasn’t easy knowing I could lose something vital but it had to be done. So I did and slowly, steadily I found a solid ground beneath my feet.
After that experience I realised that I had to be my own solid ground. And with that, everything seemed to fall into place, most things anyway.
I do not regret my experience now. It is one of the key things that made me firm with my beliefs and gave me a new understanding of myself. Understanding of what I want not what I might want. It happened for a reason at a time when I needed to transition myself from being a desperate girl to a little bit more self-centered. And that comes off not-so-nice of me but everyone needs that. Putting you first. Not going out of your way, your morals or principles to fit in a situation or please someone or society. Making hasty decisions because you’re desperate for something, a situation, safety or approval or just about as much as it goes. There is usually regret at the end of that road.
I learnt by experience and if you can learn by mine (feel free to contact for the detailed story) that would be great.
Lately (and I think more in the future) I’ve been faced with important (to me, the other involved parties and my emotional well-being) situations to make decisions or be part of the choices and I’ve had a few friends going through something like this so I decided to vent (on my Safe Haven) and see what my bloggy mind could conjure up and here I am. Laid back and more sure of myself than when I started to type.
I’m not sure if I’ve conveyed the point well(being vague and all) but what I know(what I am thinking) is that we do not have to make hasty decisions for whatever reasons and I know there are desperate times that require desperate measures and sometimes it is okay, in some aspects of life, it could be okay. What I’m sure of is that it isn’t for the emotional aspect. Some things take time (ever heard of the saying; “Good things take time” I think I true). Everything happens (is) for a reason and sometimes we do not know these reasons or can we explain them. Sometimes(most times) we have to put ourselves and our values first, take time and observe, study and make conclusions(in this case, make the decisions). It saves a lot of that stress or regret and doubts in oneself. Things are in motion for a reason.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want but what we need